Are we always growing or always dying or both?

Communion Meditation For 03/06/2012

Have you ever known someone who refused to seek medical treatment when it was apparent they needed it?  I was the poster child.  You see I have a condition known as ADHD, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.  You’ve probably heard of it.  A lot of young people have.  I had it as a young man but my ADHD, unlike most people, continued into my adult years; not only continued but really accelerated/exploded.  I live with an extreme end of the spectrum version of ADHD.

I was diagnosed in 2005 and fiddled with controlling it with medication, but one of the insidious aspects of ADHD is a very skewed judgment when it comes to oneself.  I have a tendency to think “I’m ok now, I don’t need those meds”.  ADHD, like any medical condition unchecked, wreaked havoc in my life.  I have lost three times more jobs than most people will ever hold.  I have a string of damaged relationships a mile long.

About a year ago I got sick and tired of being sick and tired.  I made an appointment, dragged myself to the Veterans Hospital and plopped down in the plastic molded chair and explained to the doctor that I wanted help with two specific issues.  One, I, like Paul the Apostle, always say and do the things I don’t want to do.  I have no filter; no impulse control.  Two, I have a temper the size of New Jersey, and although I have never been violent, I hate that I explode and yell when I’m angry.  If you know my wife and two beautiful daughters you will understand why this broke my heart and helped me find the rocky bottom.

Sovereignty stepped in at this juncture.  The doctor was a Christ follower.  She would give me some tools and help me bring these issues under control if I would commit to seeing through the treatment plan.  I couldn’t quit and I couldn’t cheat.  I felt like I was signing enlistment papers again, and that wasn’t far from the truth.  The next couple of months were by far the hardest of my life.  I dreaded appointments.  I dreaded the exercises and homework she gave me.  It was excruciating peeling away the onion layers of who I am, how I’m wired up and why I act and react the way I do.  It was painful extraditing deeply entrenched behaviors and thought patterns and learning new ones.

As the treatment progressed the doctor identified a third issue that had to be addressed.  I was an amazingly well defended fortress.  I had defense mechanisms for every word, every situation and every relationship existing or possible.  This had caused me more heartache and failure than all the other aspects of ADHD put together.  More onion peeling, more tears, more extraditing and supplanting.

I wish I could tell you I was healed at the end of the agreed upon treatment period but like the lyrics from an old song, sometimes he calms the storm and other times he calms the child.  ADHD still rages and roars in my life but I am not defeated. I have the tools to cope, manage and dare I say overcome.  The doctor had me read a couple books during my boot camp and the last one was on grace.  I found the concept of accepting myself as I am incomprehensible.  I intellectually knew this was a slap in the face to Jesus but I couldn’t get out of my own way.  I had to learn the unforced rhythms of grace.

That is why we come around this table weekly.  It is a reminder to start by accepting ourselves and others as we are, forgiving ourselves and others and agreeing not to stay as we are as we leave this place.  Instead we agree to allow Christ to change us; to continue to learn the unforced rhythms of grace.  Let the starchy powder on your tongue and the tang of the juice remind us today that we were bought at a price; accepted as who you are and destined for transformation as children of the King.

I Love To Walk

Today I went for a walk at a local park and realized I love this area of the country. I love living in Johnson City.

Waiting

I am ready for a "yes". I can't imagine what a "no" will be like. I am learning to be "present" and not anxious; not an easy one to get my brain around for very long.

Lots Of Water

So I was reading the flood story with my kids yesterday and had a thought - someone should write a story viewing the flood from the dove's perspective. Can you imagine his thoughts when he got sent out the 2nd time? "Really, again?!? Why don't you send another one of those ravens?"

Still Alive

Not sure what to do with this. It seems a good place to vent or ponder but... maybe it is a time thing. Hm..

Remember

I am remembering tonight all the wonders God has brought me through and all the ministry He let me be part of. And it is bitter sweet because all my stories of how God used me are wonderful but past tense. I don't know if this is a time of rest now/still or if I'm supposed to get out of the boat but I'm too afraid of sinking beneath the waves again.