Tears

For a long time now tears have evaded me. It may have been the anti-depressants or the Adderall or the combo but I could not get the waterworks to work. This has been very odd for me because for most of my life I have been a very atypical male in this area; I have tended to cry at movies, special occasions and even some commercials.

With my recent career change you would think I would have had many a cry-fests for myself, my family, my Church and those I love but not so. The salty water did not flow until...

Last Sunday I sat in the back of SFUMC and watch my (I gotta get used to not calling them that I guess) teens lead worship in the midst of their Discovery weekend. And what happened? I balled! I cried and cried and cried. Some of the waterworks were for joy and some for sheer pride and others for grief and anger and all kinds of emotions. I love those kids so darn much and I miss them so darn much. Even now as I type the tears well up in the corners of my eyes.

Reflection - I don't know if that is what I need right now. I want to yell and scream, I want to turn back time, I want to change minds and hearts, I want to be more courageous and yet more cautious.

What I don't want is to accept it, to move on, to let go, to move forward, to release it all. That is what I find those closest to me who know me and love me the most encouraging me to do. But I know they are looking at me and what is best for me and trying to exercise wisdom in advising me. They are trying to balance that with what is right also and I know it is hard not to be prejudice towards taking care of Michael.

It is hard to know when to fight and when to surrender and what to fight for and what not to fight for. Motives can be tricky and throw multiple shadows that overlap.

Today I snuggled up with T. and my girls on the coach and watched a "Wrinkle In Time" which I had recently finished reading to my daughters. As I watched I cried. I cried when I watched and heard the themes of love, hope and this wonderful word "glory" weaved into this fantastical
story.

I was made for Glory. I was created in love for Purpose. Fear -Bah! I really am unique and special. I am a New Creation with Gifts. I am weird and different and Glorious!

These are not the thoughts that have filled my head lately. I have retreated into "surviving" and being afraid and living by sight not by faith. The seen has eclipsed the unseen in my world.

I am like the dude in the Bible who cries out "I believe, help me in my unbelief". I want to belief. I want to reach for the dreams I believe God has put in my heart but then I see the checkbook or some other such reminder of the day-to-day and the "reality", which is not real but feels more real than that which is, grips me by both wrists with such force that I can barely think.

I wish I could tell you that I am going to choose to believe and reject my thoughts of the recent but I just don't know...

I don't know what I should do. I have prayed but 1. He isn't answering yet or 2. I am not listening as I should or 3. OH... I just don't know...

This all seems so self focused doesn't it? Interesting.... I must think on that some more.

I need to put a post in here on my Bible Study notes from yesterday. It was cool and interesting stuff.

So today 2 of my favorite girls from SFUMY called me and I need to call them back. It is hard but I need to. Golly I miss them. Should I let them go or not? Tough stuff eh?

I have the same problems with my family and close friends. I don't call them because to do opens up the door of feelings and it is so hard to feel sometimes and still stay together enough to do what I am supposed to do to provide for my family.

Peace of Christ that passes all understanding fill my eyes with light and tears.