This evening I had the privilege of serving at a station for a healing service at our church. I got to anoint people with oil, lay my hand on them and pray over and for them. This was a wonderful experience. It left me deeply contradicted/conflicted in my soul.
I love that my God is full of forgiveness and grace and loves to lavish on us the desires of our heart. He has been so good to me here in NC. My Senior Pastor has given me so many opportunities for ministry that most Youth Dudes would love to be considered for. While there are those in our family/church that are not so sure about me, the leadership continues to hold me up and invest in me. It feels good after the last couple of years.
Tonight as I was thinking about what I needed God heal in my life if anything I wandered in the thought area of forgiveness for a long time. I have someone I am in the process of forgiving (yes for me, unfortunately, this is often a process) and that I need to ask to forgive me. At the same time I need to lovingly confront her about some things she has done and said that she needs to recognize as wrong and deal with. Some of these are the very things I am forgiving her for. How do I exhort her and ask her forgiveness at the same time? I spent a long time thinking around and about this and other related issues.
I landed on, and quickly bounced away from, the need to forgive myself. Later, as I continued to talk with God and myself, I realized I had bounced pretty fast and wondered why and forced myself to examine and be examined. I found that this was a very very difficult one to really unwind. I could pay homage to forgiving myself, say it was done and move on but in reality I didn’t even know how to start thinking about this. I am very hard on myself. I, like most people, continue to beat myself about things long after I should, long after I have sought and received His forgiveness. I even tie things together, related or not, to beat myself up with more efficiently. Then, in the same second, I am full of pride, laziness, lust (did I say/write that), anger, lies, etc. and give myself way too much latitude and make very convincing arguments to weave around these attitudes, thoughts, words and actions to keep them warm and looking professional (to me and others). I do not even know how to start thinking about how to truly forgive me. How do I do this without letting myself off and what should and shouldn’t I expect from me?
I put the sign of the cross in oil on a man’s forehead tonight and he actually flinched not once but twice. I laid my hands on him and prayed. I know this man to an extent and believe he loves Jesus and has him as his Lord and Savior. I have no idea what to make of that one. Weirdness abounds.
All the people who came to my station tonight shared something they wanted God to heal in them. In every instance I felt like there was something more to their request that they just weren’t ready to verbalize yet, maybe to me or maybe period. I didn’t push, which is amazing for me. I would like to think I was leaving room for the Holy Spirit but I think I just sensed they weren’t ready yet and didn’t want/need me to push at that time.
Psalm 51 verse 6 says “You desire truth in the inward being; therefore teach me wisdom in my secret heart”. What cutting language - secret heart. I would prefer Jesus just deal with behavior modification. Don’t deal with me, just what comes out of me. I want God to give me wisdom that people can see and I can use. He wants to deal with wisdom between Him and I. My secret heart - it’s really just about my relationship with Him... formost or only? I find myself dealing with Jesus less and less personally, Him and I - our relationship. I am all about studying the Word, praying corporately, talking about Jesus, theologizing. I am very busy and professional (in my own quirky way). But He doesn’t care about those burnt offerings. Get real...
So Mark 14 the lady (Mary) pours the oil on Jesus’ head and it was sooooo expensive it would have cost a half a years wages. Will I lavish that much on my Jesus, especially if it looks irresponsible to those around me that seem like they know what one should and should not do to be a good steward? What is the Nard of today? Will I offer God what costs me the most?The impersonating, conterfit, poser of and imposter. How is that for a title on one’s business card. Today I feel that and yet at the same time I feel like a prince. I feel deeply loved by my Abba the King. I feel treasured. Contridictions abound.
I have many more thoughts to spew. I have been writing them down lately on the sides of pages of other things (to do list, bulletins, etc.) and really want to write. I want to write. I just don’t have the time. It cannot be a high enough priority. Tonight though I caved. I wanted to share all this with the keyboard, and those of you who read it, before I could sanitize it and murphiritualize it.
As I sat in the emptying sanctuary (I know I will hear about my staying so long in prayer tommorow - people will wonder if I am ok and ask and others will tell my boss or someone else, but not me, that it was inappropriate of me to do so and draw attention to myself or show what could be perceived as weakness - I was to be there for others not myself) I asked my Abba for peace and stillness/calmness. Even as I continued to plead my jaws and shoulders remained tense. I asked God if I should continue to ask and meditate on the words I was meditating on (peace and holy). He did not answer. The muscles did not release and the inner swirling did not and has not ceased. I finally stood and left. All the time I sat and prayed (and it was a long time not just in Murph time), a lady in our church sat beside me with her hand on my back. She is not someone I know well. I know her on sight but not her name. I do not know why she sat with me or if she prayed as I was praying. I know she sat beside me.
